Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
