I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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