Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
