Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
