i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
