mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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