in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
