I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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