I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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