Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
