how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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