Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
