ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
