you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
