guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
