New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
