we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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