I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
