i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
