I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
