I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
