The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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