is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
This gyro tastes like lonliness
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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