his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
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