I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
