my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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