I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
