new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
