i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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