I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
