i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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