I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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