When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
