she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
