haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
