I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
