I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
