Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
