When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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