i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
