Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
