She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
