Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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