So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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