i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
