Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
