Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
