I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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