OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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