I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
