My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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