Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
