He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
