she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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