I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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