I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
