i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
