i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
