You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
