If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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